So my delivery date is 3 weeks away and I am going though all kinds of emotions. I just need to be raw with my feelings and vent today, so please bear with me
I am so ready for this baby to be born but not because I am excited but because I am tired of being pregnant. He kicks me way harder than my daughter did and he is causing me pain in my sides. Most importantly, I feel extremely ugly and fat. I am just ready to feel my normal self again. Just the other day I asked my husband to cut my hair. I recently had my stylist cut off all my hair because I was tired of trying to maintain it. I just found it extremely hard to style my hair in the morning when trying to get myself and KoKo dressed. I am blessed to have the kind of head that looks good with a low hair cut so I took the plunge and cut it all off. My stylist cut the sides and back low and left enough length at the top to wear my natural curls. Once I got my hair cut I felt so pretty and I haven’t felt pretty in months. So when I asked my husband to cut my hair, I was asking him to just trim the sides and the back but he cut out my curls too and I just started crying uncontrollably. I cried the entire time he cut my hair. Afterwards I took a shower and went to sleep. We didn’t say anything to each other. I didn’t know how to explain to him that he cut out my “pretty”. I guess he felt bad because the next day he told me I looked beautiful and he hadn’t complimented me in a while. That compliment did make me feel better.
On the other hand I am very excited about introducing this new little life into my world and family but I am not ready mentally or financially to take on two babies at once. Let me be brutally honest, my husband isn’t as helpful as I need or would like him to be. Sometimes I wish I had a sister wife who would anticipate and solve my needs.
I still feel guilty about having another baby so soon after KoKo who will be 15 months when he is born. I don’t know why I have this sense of guilt. I just feel like I am depriving her of all mommy’s attention when she is so use to getting it now. I am sure I am taking the arrival of a new baby far harder than she will.
I will be getting a tubal ligation because two kids is enough for me and because this will be my third major surgery in this area. I had a myomectomy because of my fibroids, my daughter was born by C-Section and my son will be too. Although the doctor said I could have another C-Section it may or may not come with complications; I think one girl and one boy is golden. But I am still conflicted about this decision. I mean I am going to get it done but apart of me doesn’t want to.
So with the C-Section it is going to be hard to pick up KoKo to get her downstairs and I have yet to come up with a solution to this problem. My husband is no help at all, go figure. My parents stay an hour away and my mom wants to stay over and help but we don’t have a guest room in which she can sleep. So I am wondering how am I going to take care of KoKo, the new baby, cook, grocery shop and maintain my household when I am not suppose to go up and down the stairs or drive for six whole freaking weeks!
I am not coming back to this job that I am at now because the hours suck, the pay is lousy, management is beyond incompetent, and I haven’t had a raise in two years. So I am concerned about my financial future, which is constantly looming in the back on my mind.
I never envisioned myself with a husband or a child let alone two so close together. I am frightened, overwhelmed, stressed, excited, in love, and just plain thankful.