This past weekend I went back to work for the first time after 8 weeks of blissful motherhood. KoKo wouldn’t go to sleep so my husband and her had to sleep in another room so I could get some sleep. When I left at 7 in the morning she was wide awake. I grabbed her from my husband’s arms and kissed her until I couldn’t kiss her anymore. I did not want to leave her. I am thankful that I was able to leave her with my husband and didn’t have to take her to a daycare center where the workers wouldn’t love and care for her the way I do.
Once I got to work I pulled out my phone and looked at her pictures and video that I had taken of her on my phone. I kept wondering what she was doing and thinking about what we would be doing if I was still at home. Eventually my husband texted me a play by play of what they were doing and sent me pictures which settled my heart and made my work day go by a little easier.
It was hard leaving KoKo that day and it’s going to be harder each day after. It’s times like this I wish I would win the lottery just so I could stay home with my KoKo without wondering how the bills are going to get paid.
I never realized how rewarding being a mom could be or how I would miss her when I am away from her. Going back to work is the pits.
I love being a mom. I don’t even mind smelling my sweet baby’s farts and changing her boo boo diapers. But even I need a break sometimes. And not long breaks just maybe a few hours here and there to collect myself, or eat, or journal but my husband doesn’t seem to understand that. He only wants to deal with sweet baby for a few minutes and then he is ready to hand her back to me. When I do leave her at home with him the moment I walk into the door he is handing her back in my arms. Even though I miss her I would like to change my clothes, maybe take a shower or just check my email before I am completely re-absorbed in her world. He still gets to go and come as he pleases while my life is one big plan. I have to make sure she is dressed, diaper bag is in order, car seat is properly secured and then I can leave. But my husband he just gets up puts his clothes on and leaves. It irks me to no end that he does this.
I feel like why should his life go basically unchanged while mine has taken a 360 degree change. My life is no longer my own why should his life stay the same? And don’t even get me started about night time feedings. He feels like he shouldn’t have to wake up to feed her like it’s only my responsibility. While I am getting up every two hours he is on his side of the bed snoring and on the occasions when her screams are loud enough to wake him, he has the audacity to have an attitude. An attitude really? I am up every two hours and sometimes all night and YOU have the nerve to have an attitude with me? I mean it’s enough for me to ask him why do I even need you around. But then I calm down enough to do what I have to do and enjoy my labor of love. But I do wish he was more engaged.
He has a little man cave that he will stay in all day long. Sweet baby could be screaming or I could be beside myself from lack of sleep and not once will he come and say let me give you a break. I literally have to thrust her in his arms. And whose responsibility is it to put her to sleep? You guessed it me! Always me. And because she sleeps in the bed with us, if she is too noisy he gets up and goes to sleep in his man cave or on the couch downstairs instead of helping me to settle her back down or just keeping me company until she goes back to sleep. Right now I am on maternity leave but I return back to work next week. I wonder is he going to share the responsibility then or will he still leave it all up to me. My commute and work day is much longer than his and of course it will be my responsibility to take her to daycare. Will he expect me to come home and cook and clean too? I sure hope not because if he does we are all going to starve, except for sweet baby of course.
At least he does cook although not complete meals and grocery shops although not completely but enough that we have some food in the house. But I am the one stuck doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen while sweet baby takes a nap. But when things go uncleaned he has the nerve to say things to me like why haven’t I cleaned up and I am like really? Really dude? It’s not like I am just sitting home being pampered all day.
Some days I really don’t understand why I even need my husband, he feels so unhelpful. But other days when I take advantage of the fact that I can leave her at home with him and go to the store or get my hair done I am thankful that he is around. One thing is for sure though I take the bulk of the responsibility when it comes to caring for sweet baby and he, well he just has it so easy.
On July 7th, my sweet baby was officially two months old. It still boggles my mind that I have a daughter whom I love with every fiber in my soul. I never saw myself with children and yet now I can not see my life without my daughter. It has been a learning experience to say the least and I still have so much left to learn. Her father and me just look at her and wonder at the miracle of her. She already has her own personality her likes and dislikes and the list will only get bigger as she gets older.
I am sleep deprived that’s for sure. But I find that I am not upset about that. I love every minute I have with her. I am due to go back to work next week and I am dreading the separation. I am thankful however that my mother and father are retired and that they can watch her while my husband and I go to work. If I had my way I would stay home with her for at least a year. I don’t understand why maternity leave is only six weeks. At six weeks your child is just starting to learn who you are and now you have to pass her off to some unknown person who surely isn’t going to care for her and love her the way you do. Being a new mom has just opened my eyes to the horrible treatment mothers get when it comes to the workplace. I feel we should get a year of maternity leave with job security and payment while on leave. Our children are the future of this great nation, why aren’t we given more time to cultivate them, to nurture them, and guide them. It’s like we have to pop them out and then hand them off. It really is a horrible culture America has when it comes to motherhood.